Inner (and Outer) Conflict

It didn't take long for him to think the whole thing was overkill. In truth, it was. Yogu had done it again. This was no different than any other of the destructive things he'd done. Destroying that building when he was out celebrating graduation, breaking out of jail... It came from impulse, and it was violent and explosive. Innocent people got hurt when it happened. Why did he do this?! His mind raced to justify what he did, maybe this cop was corrupt? But that lie broke instantly from the weight of the guilt and shame that washed over him. People like him were exactly why these accords existed in the first place. He thought he was doing better. It had been a long time since he'd gone and done something dumb like this! He honestly thought what he was learning was helping him, that he could focus all of this destructive energy into something positive. "O-Oh shit... Hey man, you okay?" He haunches over the cop and doesn't get a chance to see just how bad the guy was hurt before a voice made him jump away and put his hands up.

"Yooo! I swear I was just tryin' to..." He was going to say help, but Yogu felt pretty deflated by the end of that sentence. His hands fall to his sides, and the kid's head hangs in shame. Besides the fact that what he'd just done was pretty morally wrong, it was also just plain stupid. This stranger was right. He might as well have just fired a flare up into the sky and started screaming, "WANTED CRIMINAL HERE, COME AND GET ME!"

Well, today absolutely sucked. Was there no way for him to get a do-over? Maybe Kore knew a spell. Wishful thinking aside, he really did need to get the hell out of there before more showed up. "Specialist squads?" Yeah, that didn't sound good. Whatever this squad would be, Yogu had a feeling it wouldn't be something he could get out of without knocking more heads around. And that was the last thing that needed to happen right now. Not just because that would probably end with even more guys chasing him down until they had enough to overpower Yogu and throw him back in prison, but in all honesty, he was scared of himself. Who knew how many people that would end up hurt before that happen? The kid felt disconnected from his own body. Like at any moment, it could launch forward and come swinging at this stranger.

His hands were shaking. There was a slight delay in him curling them into a fist, an attempt to hide whatever this episode was. Like there was an argument going on in his head over whether or not he should do it. Was it shock? A panic attack? Oh right, he needed to get the hell out of there. Stepping out of the strange haze he was in, Yogu finally speaks, "Do you, uh... Know anywhere around here I could keep my head down? I'm kinda new around here, and I don't..." He was starting to feel like a little kid lost in a grocery store now. Man, what he'd give to be able to just fly away right now.

And he wanted to help track down and fight all the people that violated this dumb accord. What a joke. He lets out a sniff, and his face starts to tremble, trying to hold back his iconic four pm cry sesh.

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Yogu ran a hand through his hair, regret clear on his face. He really should've begged Kore to teach him to fly first. Something about watching this stranger try to help the cop made what he'd done feel all the more real. "Shit, man- why do I keep doing this?!" The kid smacks himself in the forehead with the heel of his palm with a funny-sounding thunk. He shoots a glance back over his shoulder, and in the light of the flames, the carjackers' warped and bloodied faces painted a grim picture far different from the beatdown he recalled giving. The boy could swear one of them wasn't breathing. They were, luckily. His eyes were just playing tricks on him in his frazzled state. But Yogu was going to believe whatever he was telling himself. "I-I'm so sorry..." He wasn't sure who that was directed at. His mouth felt like cotton, his stomach was churning, and the world kept on spinning, indifferent to the fire burning in Yogu's head.

Alright. Deep breaths. The stranger, whose voice was distant and muffled to the boy, was right. Him falling apart right then and there would do no help for anyone. He needed to pull himself together. This mysterious bystander who was quickly becoming an accomplice had a name, Celosia. "M-My name?" Yeah, dork. Your name. "Y-Yogu- Om-Yogu. Call me the first one, though." He took a half-step forward, with the idea of trying to help patch the guy up. But there was no helping to do. Neither of them could do anything for the officer now, or the criminals. It was getting harder to do the deep breaths. The burning hovercar felt so hot, and he was a good distance away from it.

He had Celosia's full attention now, the girl trying to strike up a friendly conversation, "Oh, hey! I used to live in Central City!" Saying that made him feel a pit in his stomach. Not just because trying to do small talk after all of that made him feel weird and wrong, but because he started thinking about his family. He pictured his parents glued to the television, watching the news basically twenty-four-seven after the president got jumped. Them cheering over the Central City Accords when that press conference happened, and then the shock that would be on his mother's face in a few days when his name would be listed alongside those monsters that caused this whole thing to start in the first place.

He needed to go now. Luckily, Celosia happened to know a place that sounded exactly like heaven on earth. He gave a nod, "Yeah, I would really like that." In truth, he would've liked to go anywhere away from where he was at that moment. If she'd offered to throw him in the nearest ditch he'd go without a second thought. Yogu would follow behind his new friend like a baby duckling, keeping his face pointed straight down at his shoes. The kid had never noticed that he was still wearing the ones he was given in prison. It was in that realization that all of what had happened to him the past year suddenly felt like reality and not some fucked up dream that he couldn't wake up from.

Deep breaths. Say something to ignore that fact. Anything.

"So why'd ya go and help me? Not a good look for you, I'd think."

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Celosia's words got Yogu's attention off his shoes and back on her. How could she say everything was going to be fine, just like that? Couldn't she see that his whole world was falling apart? Her choice of words about the vehicle getting replaced got a raised eyebrow out of him. Just who was this lady? There was no way she had the power to just make that go away! And if she did, he had to be the luckiest guy on the planet. It was starting to feel like if anything wasn't going his way, then some new friendly ki-user would show up and bail him out. It just didn't feel right, "I still don't get why you're doin' all this, though? Why not smack me around and leave me for that guy's backup?" It's what he would have done if the roles were reversed. Thank the kais above that wasn't the case!

Being asked if he could fly caught Yogu off guard. Enough so that that question caused him to forget all about the stranger's motivations. He anxiously itches the back of his head, "Uh, no...?" Was flying that expected of ki users? Any insecurity brewing from that interaction is snapped away when Celosia takes him by the arm and sends the both of them soaring into the sky! Fear grips Yogu's heart, "WOAH! WOAHWOAHWOAH!" He flails his legs around wildly, unable to tear his eyes away from the quickly shrinking parking lot he'd been in just a few seconds ago. He fully wraps himself around his strange companion's arm in desperation, unaware of how easy this was for the woman. "A little warnin' next time would go a long way, lady!" In time he gets used to it, pulling his eyes away from the now distant lights of the more populated part of the island. Now far more inland, he relinquishes Celosia's arm from his bear hug, going back to dangling. Although it was more like getting dragged at the speed they were going.

He needed to get on learning how to fly, pronto. Yogu couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this peaceful. More so than even the meditation techniques he had been taught. For a minute, the kid forgot he wasn't alone, too busy taking it all in. A grin had returned to his face. He hadn't had a genuine smile on his face since this whole accords business had started. Then just like that, it was over. They touched down in a secluded, woodsy spot and he found trouble staying standing, his legs shaky and weak from the journey. He flops onto his back right on the bank of the creek, dipping a hand absentmindedly into it. Yogu felt a little sad that was all the flying he would get to be doing. He almost asked to go again but stopped himself when he looked around at where she brought him to. It seriously was the perfect spot to take a breather and relax. He would have to make this a regular spot to go when he needed to get away from it all. Yogu stares up at the sky and lets out a sigh, the feeling of exhaustion finally catching up to him. He wasn't sure what to do now. The last thing he wanted was to think, and that seemed to be all he could do now. What he wanted to do, was chat to the cool girl. But it was hard when the two of them met under circumstances that painted Yogu in a light that was decidedly not cool.  He stayed quiet for a while, which made it even harder to strike up a conversation with his rescuer again.

He knew he would have to say something eventually and a joke was the only thing he could think of that wouldn't absolutely demolish the place's atmosphere, "So do ya bring all the dudes you find beatin' up cops and blowin' up cars here, or am I a special case?"

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Total WC: 2,920

Amara had some kind words to say. It was nice to know someone could see that he was trying, even if the results of his trying turned up not much positive. Still, something about the whole thing felt off to him. Were good intentions enough to skirt by free of punishment when something went bad? What if he had killed that cop or those criminals? Would good intentions matter much then? That car could get replaced, but someone's life couldn't. People didn't just come back from the dead, and lives can't just be replaced with another. "But... But what if I had... I dunno, gone after one of those bad guys- the real bad guys- thinkin' I was hot shit? What makes me different from those people if I go antagonizing them thinkin' I'll save the world and cause this whole island to go up in flames? Maybe even-" Alright, he needed to stop.

All he was doing was trying to make up a scenario to justify why he should've been beaten to a pulp and left there for the cops to deal with. Or maybe, he was trying to justify what he would've done had this role reversal hypothetical been real? Yogu wasn't sure what he was trying to say, but it was an attempt at justifying something that just couldn't be. But being able to realize that had to mean he was getting better, right? That Kore's training was working? There was still a part of him inside screaming, "You don't deserve this! You don't deserve to be sitting here right now, all nice and comfy cause you felt sorry! What the hell makes you so special that you get an infinite supply of second chances?! You killer!" ...He'd never killed anyone before. Why the hell was that what he jumped to?

He sits back up and leans over the creek to splash some water on his face. Just what the hell was going on with him? Trying to get back on track, Yogu listens closely to Celosia's frankly insane story of being in the room as this world-shaking document got written up. Seriously, who was this lady?! He'd never seen her on the news! Then again, the only time Yogu had actually sat down and watched the news in his life was when the accords got announced. And even though it sounded like she was friends with the dorky looking leader of the whole planet, Celosia seemed to think that this whole thing wasn't a good idea. All of her ideas to improve it sounded great to Yogu, him going along with a nod. "Sounds to me like you oughta be president since you're clearly thinking more about this than he was." But what she had said raised a lot of questions about the whole thing for him too. Like, why make this such a public thing in the first place? The earth had been attacked before in a similar way, what made this different? Because the dude that got the laws made was targeted? What beef did people have with him anyway? He was just some politician that could use ki as far as Yogu knew. There had to be more to it than just looking good.

Now a few things were starting to click for the boy, like how the rest of the world was definitely not given the full story on what was going on behind the scenes. If this law was started to keep people safe through transparency on ki users' actions, then why were the actions that directly caused it to be made so shrouded in mystery? This whole thing only made sense to the boy if President Derry had done something and he felt the need to cover his ass. "So what, this is all just some scheme so he can make himself feel safe, not the people he was elected to protect? Someone needs to go and fix the whole thing! Revoke they guy's title too!" Yogu had a growing suspicion that the accords were very intentionally written the way they were.

Now he had it in his head that the thing had been written up so that all the well-intentioned ki-users that needed a little help would never grow beyond an anecdote on late-night news and campaign trails about how the world needed order before they were inevitably collared or killed. The choice was either become that or become molded into good little soldiers that were more focused on following orders and taking down the people the president deemed wrong for the world than keeping people safe. And why wouldn't the world go along with it? They were all scared shitless from everything burning down around them! "How could I have been so dumb to think that the accords were a good idea?!" He says that, but when did he go along with it at any point? He really was just looking for every way to emotionally destroy himself, true or not. Maybe one day Yogu would have a more grounded thought process, but he had the right idea in spirit. If only he realized how close he was to hitting the nail on the head.

The important thing was that he was starting to see why Celosia didn't just turn him in. And with that realization came a new avenue of things he'd thought/said/done to beat himself up over, "Why the hell did I even think the accords were a good idea?!" He slams his fist down into the creek, splashing water everywhere. "I-I'm a damn pawn in some dumb game just cause I exist! And innocent people got hurt by me because of it!" Because he existed. 

Still, his opinion on this whole accords was best described as confused. He had swapped sides like eight times over the course of their conversation. So much for talking bringing clarity to all of this. It just muddied the waters even more for him! His brain was completely fried at this point from emotional self-assault, politics, and the general trauma that the night had brought. He needed to move away from topics of the present now, or he was going to break down all over again. "At least I'm not alone..."

He goes to splash his face with water one more time, "So... What was livin' here like-" A harsh, alien voice that sounded like someone gurgling gravel speaks up from somewhere. At first, the poor kid didn't realize he was the only one hearing it.


His vision becomes clearer than it had been since this whole ordeal had started, and staring back at him in the rippling reflection of the creek was not himself. It was a pair of glowing, solid red eyes contained in a large, shadowy figure that grew, eating up the shadows of the canopy and adding it to its' mass until it overtook everything in the waters' reflection. It felt like this monster was staring a hole through his head. Like the grim reaper was standing before him, Yogu's body goes icy cold and he feels a chill as sweat runs down his back. Then he blinks and stares back at himself again, the eyes in the water now a passing memory. The whole thing leaves him visibly shaken and he falls back on his ass, scooting away from the water, absolutely terrified by what he saw in himself. If Amara had answered his question, Yogu hadn't heard it over the sound of his heart pounding out of his chest. "I gotta get some sleep..." He said that, but he knew he wouldn't be sleeping any time soon. This wouldn't shake his resolve, he still knew that he could help people. Whatever that was, all it did was show him how he still had his work cut out for him.

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Oh hey check it out it's that dumb fuckin guy I wrote for some reason.
I'm sorry for this shit show of a post fr
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Yogu's mouth felt like someone had laid a carpet in it with how dry it was. He now fully grasps that Celosia hadn't heard or seen any of that and what little color was still in his face leaves entirely. He wanted- no, needed to explain what just happened for his own sanity. But there was no real way to explain what that was without sounding criminally insane. Maybe he was. Sane people didn't go around punching cops in the head and setting fire to vehicles. Kais, what was wrong with his head? It felt like someone had gone in there and squeezed his brain like a sponge.

A wash of embarrassment came when this poor lady kneeled beside him, the realization that he was getting another person wrapped up in his insanity. All because they wanted to help. Because for whatever reason, she saw potential in him under that uncontrolled violence and trashy beat-up exterior. He wasn't sure he saw it, but she wasn't the first to say something like that, so it must be true right? Regardless of just how much potential as a hero he had, Yogu still needed to try. Because if he didn't, where would he be? Not here. Likely be in that same spot he had been in between his escape from prison and the past few weeks, a half-dead wanderer ready to lay down and die at the slightest suggestion to do so. And if he needed to lie to himself about what he could do and ignore whatever it was that just happened to avoid that, he would. Yogu knew that he wasn't strong enough to stare into that abyss again and face it head-on. For now, he just needed to push what just happened into the back of his mind and keep it there for another day.

"I-I'm fine, really." His mouth wasn't doing what his brain wanted him to. The boy's voice was shaky, "I just- I'm tired is all, alright?" Yogu was a terrible liar. But what else was he supposed to do? The truth was something that couldn't be beaten with martial arts technique or a big ki beam to its' face. But maybe it would be good, letting some stuff off his chest. Kais knew he wanted to. He'd tried just about everything else already. He was terrified to tell Kore something like this, with the fear that the shinjin would outright reject him from training if the little green guy knew about his past. "Alright Yogu, make a decision on what you're sharing and stick to it!" He didn't know what would be a good way to transition into talking about his life, so he just started, a complete non-sequiteur. "I uh... you were right when you said this wasn't my first rodeo." Yeah, that was good enough prep for the conversation.

He looks Celosia in the face for the first time since that thing spoke to him. "It started like, a year ago? I guess not, actually." He didn't want to say it. He sighs, "It started when someone close to me died, back when I was a kid. I never took that stuff well growin' up, balled my eyes out for days when I first lost a pet. But this... It really changed me, ya know? Started chasing fights everywhere I went. In and outside of school. I guess I've never really used this gift for anythin' too well-intentioned, huh?" He takes a deep, shaky breath. "It got outta control quick. When I graduated high school I, uh... Blew up a building? Don't remember what made me go and do that. That was my first wake-up call that I needed to change, I guess." A startling thought came to mind, did he really know for sure that no one had been in that building he leveled? What if he really was a killer? He was getting far off track now. He just talked over that thought until it was run out of his head, "Then I went on the run for obvious reasons. Didn't get too far, but I saw the world a little, met some strange people. Then I got caught and was in prison for a while." He says as if it was the same as getting a job at McBao's. He goes to talk again but stops himself, unsure if he should continue. He didn't want to recount the details of how he broke out. It wasn't too far off from what had happened tonight. Yogu didn't tell the whole story, but what he did felt like a weight off his shoulders. That was until guilt started to set in.

"Shit, I'm really sorry for dumping all that on you... Kais, I probably sound insane." But what else was he supposed to do? He was just a kid hurting bad. And he spent far too long keeping all of that trapped inside him already. Yogu wasn't sure if he felt any better though. Maybe even worse. "This talking things out thing is a load'a crap..." 

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Celosia's words surprised Yogu. Someone he trusted? He thought long and hard. The sad truth was that the boy didn't have anyone, not anymore. Not since he left home. For all the strange characters he'd met on his world tour, not a one of them ever kept in regular contact. No one he knew well. There was Kore, but it was hard to approach the guy about much other than training. He didn't want the god's little pet project with him to end. He needed to maintain an image around the shinjin so that he wouldn't feel disgraced by his mortal student. His family? He was terrified of seeing any of them. Completely out of the question! Not until he got better. A lot better. Celosia's concerned look only served to make Yogu's guilt become even heavier on his shoulders.

Yogu had no friends. No support group. His issues with opening up to people about his problems were the least of his worries if he didn't have anyone to open up to. "My life really sucks extra bad, doesn't it?" Could be worse. He could be the person that destroyed that chunk of the moon. Their life must be pretty sucky to go and do something like that.

Yogu was even further surprised by Celosia's reaction to the part of his life story he felt was safe to divulge to the gir. She wasn't phased in the slightest by his story of destroying buildings. He supposed it made sense, Yogu could tell she'd clearly seen far worse than he had just by the way the tuffle carried herself. So how did she have it so together? The answer was obvious, she didn't have to bottle herself up. "Celosia has people that care." In truth, Yogu had people that cared about him too. On nights like this, it was just difficult for the boy to see that. A part of him wanted to feel all alone. Like the world was against him and he needed to fight back. But that mindset is exactly what led him to attack that cop.

There was no excuse for the bad things he had done, the boy knew that. Deep down he wished there was, but he only had himself to blame for his actions. The words of a stranger being so heartfelt was just as jarring for Yogu as the voice he totally definitely hallucinated. She really did believe he could change; if it wasn't obvious enough from the fact Celosia didn't grind his face in the dirt for that officer. "Th-Thanks, Celosia..." But something about her words only helped to make the boy feel even more guilty about all of this. He apologized for everything and Celosia didn't skip a beat, telling him to shut up.

That really shocked Yogu. "Oh- oh..." He turned away as she stood up, anxiously scratching his arm. She continued, and if anything had gotten through to him throughout their conversation, it was this. Never feel sorry asking for help. The crappy parts of life were far harder to break down than a building. Just like in his training, he couldn't do everything alone. "Thanks, Celosia... I needed that." He pauses a moment, "...I'm really not fine." It felt good to admit that.

Yogu wouldn't make the same mistake again of lying to himself and others to keep all the awful crap building up inside. Obviously, it would be a process. But this was step one in that process. The embarrassment, shame, and guilt didn't just go away but it certainly lessened. He looks up at Celosia, "Can we- uh, could-" He sighs, taking a deep breath. "Would it be possible, if you weren't busy, to have more talks like this? Another time, I mean." Yogu wasn't sure how he would contact her for these talks, he hadn't had a phone since he was thrown in the slammer. But this was the closest thing to a real new friend he'd had in a year. Someone not attached to his past or someone training him, just someone he could talk to and feel like a real person. A stranger he'd known for a number of minutes he could count on his hand. What a sad, strange little life Yogu lead. And he hadn't realized just how lonely it was until now.

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